Like Pulling Teeth

The Sears orthodontist told me in no uncertain terms that tooth extraction was unavoidable given that my teeth are more crowded than Downtown Manhattan on a warm Saturday afternoon. I think he thought the news would be more cringe-inducing than I actually found it. Not that losing perfectly fine teeth in an inescapably painful and bloody process isn't a disgusting thought, but I was prepared for it. I figured that it had to happen.

It won't be the first time I have a tooth pulled. When I was young, 11 or so, a dentist removed a pesky baby tooth that refused to extricate itself from my body. It's a vivid memory; I can almost still taste the banana-flavored novacaine while seeing his gloved hands descend into my mouth for a not-so-gentle tug. Out comes the tooth, and thus starts the bleeding.

The bleeding doesn't stop as soon as I thought or hoped it would. My mother and I get out to the car, me still holding some parchment in my mouth to catch the continual blood flow, and I complain about the lack of cessation of the sanguine river. We agree that the dentist botched the procedure.

I'm sure the next tooth extraction operation will have a similar result of copious blood loss. The teeth guaranteed to go are on top, and I'm fairly sure that top gums bleed more than bottom gums since the blood is flowing down and not up (disclaimer: I was a poli sci and history major, NOT a bio major, so if that sounds utterly absurd to those in the know, I apologize).

The strange thing is that the orthodontist said 3 or 4. Four I can understand. 3? Wouldn't that result in things being a bit, erm, uneven? Well, he's the one with the doctorate...but 3? Really, 3?

I wonder if it's better to have them all done in one sitting. I think so. It makes the day one to be dreaded and ill-remembered, but then, better one ignomeneous day than two. It's not as if the level of dread would really diminish if it were only two teeth instead of three or four. The novavaine process likely takes only moderately longer for 3 or 4 teeth than 2. And once he's in there, he can get nice and warmed up after the first extraction. By the third or fourth one, he should be a pro. Wait...he should already be a pro.

I wonder what will happen to my ill-fated teeth. They're perfectly fine, really--I brush and floss daily; they have no cavities, no discoloration. It's a shame to see them go. It'll probably be more pleasant for him, pulling out non-abhorrantly decayed or discolored teeth. But then shouldn't he feel the same pang of remorse I will--perfectly fine teeth being sacrificed, like sending a good soldier on a death mission to save the rest of the platoon.

My guess is they will go into a trash can. Such a shame.